Today has been (so far) a very purging day. I had my first lesson in knitting - which totally rocked. I cannot wait to have some real time to myself where I can finish my project (well as much as I can without my awesome teacher). :P
But I feel like I'm being purged out right now by God and it's such an awesome and lifting feeling. It's too amazing to really explain, but I'm going to try.
First, over the last eight or so months, I've really struggled back and forth with the whole leaving the LDS church, to the point that more recently, I've seriously been re-reading over the Born Again Mormon's website. I'm going to be a bit more blunt and really do not mean to be offensive. But for those of you who are probably shaking your head at the screen right now, maybe muttering, "It's false, you've had an encounter with Christ, WHY is this still an issue?" I totally understand but the problem is that you don't. It's one thing to just fall away from the church from disinterest or not being able to live the standards or whatever, it's another to be born, raised, come back, and totally love the church and then leave. When those letters begin to arrive that remind you, you only have 30 days to change your mind, then your name is removed from the Book of Life, you are no longer baptized for Christ, you are no longer able to be with your family for time and eternity, so on and so forth - then it can be a bit wavering. Sure, it's easy to tell someone, "It's false, get over it." It's a completely other to be that person, read that letter, and to have believed that for so long. To think, to wonder, to hear that voice whispering to you, "You'll never be with your family again, you're walking away from God and He won't want you back," - it sounds EASY to simply recite over and over, "It's false, it's false, it's all a lie.." but it's not.
In fact, simply reciting all of that is at times, the only thing that gets me from one moment to the next without running back to Mormonism. I was in a lot of ways a True Blue Mormon and I hated leaving. I've found myself, as of late, more easily offended for the LDS church - from the events around GBH's funeral to comments made by friends, family, and even leaders that have totally and completely pissed me off. I've found myself smiling more at Mormons in my store, I've found myself preferring them again. And without someone who seemed to understand IRL here in Grace City, I didn't know who I could talk about it with without getting incredibly pissed off at. What people have meant as kindness - to help me move past all this gently or toughly, has been taken as just the opposite.
Barbie had suggested that I read through the doctrines of the LDS church to help me open my eyes and keep them open, to the falsehood - but then I know myself better. I'm not grounded enough in the Word to feel able to resist that call to come back and that I'm just misunderstanding.
So I have these two amazing women who are in a sense, keeping an eye on me, helping me to keep myself busy to pull out of this lure, this call, this pulling to return. And now after totally drowning myself in the Word the last few days, I feel so much more relaxed and at ease with God. I don't feel like I'm in this battle with Him or with me while I'm listening and/or reading the Word. I hate using the words, "I feel" because I don't want to base everything off my feelings, but really I have no other way to describe the peace that has come with so much of the Bible. And I think it helps that I'm not trying to take apart, and analyze each sentence, word, event, etc that I read about. I'm just trying to read it for surface value and allow God to work in me.
I've written this before, and I'll write it again. I know God is working on me through this, so I'm just trying to get out of the way and let Him. And through this, I feel alive. I don't feel all down, and sulky, and angry - I feel great. God is great.