It seems more and more my blogs are becoming bluntly and frankly honest. I don't recall being this aware of my sinfulness when I left the LDS church 8/9 months ago. Now, I see God exposing myself before both Him and me, and I want to turn and run away. I know this is good - but at the same time, my lack of obediance to these items has weighed on me.
In the most recent concluding sermon in the Fight Club series, Devin taught about giving our cares and worries over to God. This falls under the same idea of "palms up" or "open handed" worship that I hear so much about from various Christians. Yet, this idea very much confuses me. In our small group, I was able to finally admit this and seek advice - how does one lay it at the feet of Jesus or just give it all away?
There are amazing women in my life as I see as the Christian woman - many for various reasons - from obediance, to knowledge, to faith, to works - I see all these various traits in a few women I know and feel totally bummed that I am not them. The Lord clearly said over the summer - "clear out your high spaces" - I took everything off my bookshelves, put it away in a tub in a closet, gave some of it away and there it remains. High spaces were moved, not cleared out. Yet I am possibly even more resistant to finishing the job than I was over the summer. Lord says, "become addicted to Me, your husband, and the kids" and what do I do? Move further away from Him.
I became so frustrated, overwhelmed, and angry - why is the Lord exposing these sins within me if I cannot or will not change them? I didn't want to share this struggle with anyone, not even Steve. Yet, Wednesday night as I cleaned up the playroom at small group, it all came tumbling out. A long time ago, the Lord moved me towards Jean - but I was too shy to really open up that much to her. And yet, Wednesday night it all came out - from my total disobedience, to my addiction to all things LDS, to my desire to really just be addicted and on fire for God, for Steve, and for the kids and nothing else.
It was amazing how God used Jean to totally and completely open my eyes - He took my legalism of looking for a mediator outside of Christ and used it. She reminded me that God is pursuing me and He is doing something in my life. I always know hindsight that what I just came out of was God's attempt to transform me - but that I wanted to cling tightly to my flesh and drown Him out. But right now, right this minute - I know that God is using this to refine me, to bring me closer to Him, that He is pursuing me as He did with Jonah and any other disobedient child of His.
As God opened my eyes to this - He also showed me that what I had drastically narrowed my idea of who God would use to speak to me. I had a small list of women who I trusted in advice, guidance, and even who God would use to speak to me through. And I never looked outside this small list - until I realized He was and had been using my best friend *Panana (nickname). We stayed up late in the night discussing God and how He has speaking into our lives using one another, small group, and others.
I for sure don't feel like I fit in anywhere right now - as a Mormon or as a Christian at Grace Point. I have this vision for myself of who I want to be and believe it's the same vision that God has for me as well. A woman who hopelessly addicted to Jesus, a woman who is crazy in love with her husband, a woman who blesses her children while bringing them up in the Lord, and a woman committed to serving those God lays on her heart. I have this vision of the woman God will make me into - and to be completely honest, I am a bit scared of the path there, but I have to trust that God is in this with me. Easier said than done - but I think it's that "doing" part that brings the transformation. God has equipped me for this journey - from His Word, to my family, to Grace Point, and everyone from Panana to Jean and everyone in between. While I'm trembling at the changes that this will bring in my life - I'm totally excited to just surrender myself, my circumstances, and everything I think I know, deserve, or have a right to to God.