Friday, December 21, 2007

Disgusted with the cross...

When I first left the LDS church, I looked into a few ex-Mormon online discussion groups. I had heard that they were helpful, and while initially I think I was in shock that we were walking away, I thought it would be wise to find one then so if I needed support from others who had experienced the same thing (or were experiencing the same thing) I'd have somewhere to post.

I've looked into quite a few - from the RFM board (Recovery from Mormonism - it's sounds so dramatic), to a few MySpace ones, even a real support group here in Las Vegas where people actually meet - but none of them appealed to me. They all seemed so angry, they all seemed so ... ex-Mormonish. I know - I was an ex-Mormon and I didn't want to be in a group that was so obviously ex-Mormon .... The logic.

However, there is an ex-Mormon forum on the Concerned Christians board. I visited from time to time, but never felt the need to discuss things there often. However, through this board - I've began to see that I'm not unique in my feelings and such after leaving, and noticing things about myself that I've never admitted to before.

The most interesting conversation has been about our disgust with the cross, Christian music, and even the Christian Jesus. I always thought I was just extreme, or perhaps my parent's habits/thinking had rubbed off on me. Imagine my surprise when something I've been ashamed of is discussed right there on the one board I remain somewhat faithful to.

It's so strange - as a Mormon, I deeply loved Jesus - my Savior and Redeemer, and I wanted to surround myself with uplifting music and reminders about Him, yet I hated Christian music, the cross, and the Christian Jesus. I was recently asked - why I hated these items, especially if I considered myself a Christian. What I guess I have to admit is that I didn't consider myself a Christian. Christians were freaks, they were intolerant, bigots, mean, cruel - nothing like my Savior. When I'd see the cross, I'd see pure unashamed idol worship that turned logically thinking people, into hateful clones and zombies of their former self. It was disturbing. When I'd hear Christian music, I'd roll my eyes and change the channel. And when I heard them say, "Jesus" my stomach churned with disgust.

While I would debate and fight for the understanding that Mormons were Christians and they we worshiped the same Jesus, secretly - I didn't believe that. And I was totally okay with it - especially since I believed my Savior was the One and only and theirs was a false idol that wasn't really Jesus, but a wooden cross that they sold for money.

Yet, when I began listening to Christian music - I found I really loved it. One poster remarked that he thought it was music filled with false doctrine and frankly, blasphemy and even though he's been out of the church years - yet only recently within this Christmas season, has he softened and began listening to Christian music. It'll be interesting to hear his thoughts on how he views the cross now. And when my heart softened to the cross - I began wearing one (in secret). I've found it a beautiful reminder of what Jesus did for me. And if I had any doubts still that I was not alone in feeling this - while talking with the LDS mom I babysit for, when I mentioned the cross - she very visibly flinched. It caught me totally off guard. Guess I'm not as alone as I thought.

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