Tonight on my drive home, I realized how many changes God has been placing on my heart. He's placed in my life pretty amazing people and really preparing me to move into further obediance to Him. I'm freaked out beyond belief but I think the Lord is really moving me to really severe all my LDS ties.
I've slowly moved out of my former ways - cleared out 98% of my books, movies, and such. But I've denied who I am to my family and I've kept my name on the LDS church rolls.
Perhaps it's time to prayfully consider to remove my name from the rolls of the LDS church. With the removal of my name comes some pretty heavy consequences in the eyes of the church - my "eternal family" will no longer be eternal, I will no longer be baptized, and my name will be blotted out of the book of life. At least, according to them that is.
I think the reality of the situation will be anything from a burden lifted from my shoulders that perhaps I don't fully understand is there to more spiritual freedom than I can imagine due to obediance to God's direction in my life.
Honestly, I can't rationally explain why I've kept my "membership" for so long anyways. The only reason I can is irrational fear - that once I've removed my name I'll be like those poor people in Jeremiah and God will strike my family and I down.
Next will come the research mode on this - I'll have to acquire my Bishop's home address and mail him a formal letter requesting the removal of my name from church rolls and then await my letter from Salt Lake headquarters.
On the parental front, God has also been prompting me in an unexpected friendship within GP. Tonight, I finally let me barriers down and found we had more in common than I knew - it was amazing and such a blessing to get to know this sister in Christ. I feel so much more prepared to discuss my faith with my parents - still terrified - but more prepared. God is so awesome. I've felt so horrible about my continued disobedience to His Will about my life in this area - questioning how He could still love me while I daily disobey Him, and yet He still provides such amazing, supportive, and loving friends to help me through this. He truly is a loving and amazing Father who does only want us to mature spiritually.