Why didn't they cover apologetics during General Conference when I was hardcore devoted LDS?! Isn't it interesting that the weekend that I had planned on telling my parents that I'm not LDS anymore so many things are happening - first the bombshell of test results, second I just spent hours at a LDS Ladies Night at Deseret Book (I admit, I was tempted by the apologetic books "Setting the Record Straight" series..), and now I'm listening to a few clips from today's conference. And wouldn't you know it? It's APOLOGETICS!!!
Okay, frustrated? Yes. Is God lighting some hoops on fire and asking me to jump through them? I'm starting to think so. Just a day before hearing about Mamau's results I had read from Jeremiah 1 and felt that the Lord was encouraging me - telling me He would put the words into my mouth to speak to my family and I didn't need to be preparing or stressing out so much about it. Simply, have faith. Then the test results came in and I felt immense guilt and didn't want to burden them further. Since then, there's has been chance after chance to simply say, "You know Mamau, I don't know if the ward is doing a trunk or treat because I don't attend anymore." But since I did know, I answered - just omitted the part about not attending. Everyday since Thursday night there has been a direct question about my ward or us watching General Conference. Today I was honest that I didn't watch it and wasn't going to but that was about it. I wore my cross to Deseret (the only one in the whole store) but I think my parents just think I'm a weird Mormon girl.
The talk I listened to online was from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - not sure of the title since it's not posted online yet - and he slammed the Trinity. Sure, most of it seems out of context if my memory serves me well. It's been a few months since I've read up on Trinity history - but I don't recall it taking 125 years to form the original Nicene creed - it took 56 to work the kinks out - from 325 to 381 and then if you want to count the language barrier controversy (Filioque controversy) then you could then stretch it and say it took 122 years, but not 125.
I still feel this incredibly and overwhelming sense to speak to my parents about this new part of my life - yet I feel like these unmovable boulders have been placed in the road. The talk was well written, well delivered, and to one who hasn't had a Spiritual confirmation of the Truth of the Trinity - right on the target. Heck, after listening to it - I found myself agreeing with his points. But I listened again and realized what he was saying, doing, and twisting and how wrong it all was. Mormons apologetists often accuses Christians of lying for Christ - yet it seemed, Elder Holland, my once favorite apostle, was doing just this himself in order to make sure Mormons and all those who heard his voice knew, Mormons are Christians - but Christians are not.
Mamau told me that this has been the best conference in awhile. Is God setting up for a miracle or something? Because really, this just seems so impossible to overcome.