Monday, September 24, 2007

Not far from the kingdom of God 2

After yesterday's blog, I took some time to fellowship with the Lord. I took my Bible, a study I had been following but had lagged on, a pen, and went up to my closet and shut the door. Initially I was merely going to open in prayer and simply ask for the Spirit to tell me what I needed to do to let God into every place in my heart and really believe He had it handled and before I knew it I was pouring my heart out to Him and giving Him everything I had in me - my unbelief, my distrust, my inablitiy to have an intimate and steady relationship with Him as my heavenly Father, and my unforgiveness - nor desire to forgive - towards someone from my past and so much more. And then I laid there, drained emotionally and spiritually and yet, hopeful. I opened my Bible and my children's Sunday School note fell out, it relayed the story of David and Saul and told the children that with God, all things - even hard things. Then I opened my almost forgotten Bible study by Beth Moore to where I had left off a few weeks prior.

I flipped past the video discussion sheet.

I flipped past the introduction to the new unit sheet.

I began reading the new chapter and opened my Bible to Isaiah 57:14

And one shall say,

“ Heap it up! Heap it up!
Prepare the way,
Take the stumbling block out of the way of My people.”

And the crying began all over again. Beth Moore explained how stumbling blocks can be very hard and emotional to remove from our paths but that we have our "matchless" King with us if only we will do it. The problem for me was I didn't believe in my heart that He was matchless. It is so fitting that we are doing this High Definition living series at church now because really, I am putting my parents on this pedestal above my King and Lord. The first sermon in the series focused on Psalm 39:4-7 where David asks God to remind him of how short his life is and Pastor Devin is reminding us of our priorities. I'm skewing - and I KNOW it - my priorities. I don't want to sacrifice my priorities even though I know my Lord is telling me to be honest with my family - He is telling me through His Word, through His Spirit, through sermons, through devotionals, through my husband and friends - yet I am stubbornly remaining in disobedience because I just don't believe good - my good - will come of it.

I continued the study, prayed and cried out again until I felt completly drained all over again. A few hours later we attended our Sunday night small group. It was a different setting though - one we never attend. Back at the beginning of the year when we realized God was calling us out of the LDS church but we didn't want to go straight into Grace Point because we didn't think it was a church He would call us to, we attended our Sunday night small group's church and it just didn't fit us for some reason so we continued in prayer and kept getting returned to Grace Point. Due to the lack of childcare and the time of night of small group, we don't attend the small group when it's held at the church because we don't want to chase our children all over the church add to it that the Cowboys were playing the Bears last night and it was almost miraculous that we attended last night. ;)

They were having Communion. My kneejerk reaction was to get up and leave. Remember, I was LDS - you only take of the "Sacrament" on Sunday within a LDS church from the Priesthood. This was my kneejerk reaction at Gracepoint, this was my kneejerk reaction last night - but God is good and even though I'm in this state of disbelief - He still soothed me and reminded me that it is not a "true church" of the LDS church or Grace Point or Discovery but the body of believers and I was there - at Grace Point, at Calvery, at Discovery - wherever I was among the body of believers I was there. I began to ponder my own thoughts on communion and how I intertwine the two with a deep, meaningful moment with God - almost a deep repenting process. I almost always connect the two with my 18 months of repenting and disfellowshippment and that Christmas morning when I was able to take of it again. As I was handed the small round wafer with the cross on it and little cup with juice, I began to silently cry in the back - I remembered God doesn't view time the same way I do so He wasn't surprised by my time with Him earlier today - He knew about it and He knew about this right now. And to me, this all fit together perfectly - the whole day, everything. And then the sermon began before taking communion - on the importance of forgiveness and I thought of my prayer before studying.

Being completly honest - I can say that I can feel God's love for me, I know that He is reaching out and drawing me close to Him - but I am still in a state of disbelief. I know it is lessening but it's still there.

Paul talked about his weaknesses and how through Christ he was made strong, I hope that this becomes the case with me.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness
2 Co 12:9b

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