I've had something bothering for awhile. Today, it was like someone turned up the volume from headpones to that annoying car that always drives down the streets and makes your house vibrate because their stero is soooo loud.
As baptism nears, I've been thinking about my committment to Christ - about grace, the life of a Christian, and so forth. However, my mind always settles on one - now - annoying thought. Perhaps I've never been "legally" His. This really bothers me. I really dislike this thought and want to brush it off as the Enemy or my own over analyzing or even fear about public baptism (I'll explain later). Yet, it simply won't go away. At first, I simply prayed the sinners prayer (sincerely) every time my Pastor did his "altar call" (he didn't actually ask anyone to come up to the altar but rather pray with him if they wanted to take that next step and place faith in Jesus).
I'm annoyed because for so long I've been so sure that I am the Lord's and now I'm geniunly concerned. Baptism is next week - I know the Lord directed both Steve and I to be baptised - and I want to make sure I have all my "ducks in row". By the way, today Steve decided to be baptised next week and tonight made Jesus his Lord and Savior! I begin to wonder - did I make Jesus Lord of my life? I was broken, I accepted His sacrifice and understood it, and I (atleast thought I did) gave Him the only thing I could - my will, my life, myself. My life changed - it was renewed. However, now as baptism approaches - I'm a bit unsure - did I really make Him Lord of my life? Am I unsure because of anything I've got going on? No. This thought has just been burdening me for awhile and today became almost defeaning. At this point, I'm not sure if this is the Lord trying to make sure I understand that I still need to do this (even though I've been praying "the prayer" for awhile now) or if this is Satan trying to merely trip me up.
At this point, all I can do is pray, search the Word, and listen for the Lord's answer. I miss my rulebook.